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Slime Rancher Review


Does anyone use Games with Gold still? I mean, I do because some of the games on there I may play in the next few years. But this one, really did I need to download Slime Rancher? I mean, what is this game even about, I’m the one that played it so I should know. But honestly I have no clue in the slightest what his game is about. I suppose I’ll have to explain later on but after a day of playing it I’ve literally no clue what to say.

We may as well start off with everything good about the game, which I can probably fit into this one paragraph. I won’t be doing that though, because the main part of my pros column is that the graphics are fairly good. They’re nothing spectacular but they suit the style of the game fairly well. That’s all I have to say about it. Fine. That’s the word I would use to describe the graphics within this game. You literally can’t use a different word to that, because there is nothing else to describe the game other than that.

To be honest the only other positive to do with this game is that there’s an in game achievement tracker. But the problem I have is that the in game tracker works, the one that is built by Xbox doesn’t. It works fairly well in game, but I just prefer being able to tab out to the actual Xbox one. I’ve got no problem with creativity though, that’s a positive I suppose.

Now we need to talk about everything wrong with the game, because my God is there a hell of a lot. For starters, what is the actual point of this game? Like, seriously, is there a point to what I should be doing? I presume I capture these slime things and keep them in captivity, but to what end? I had a pen of fifty of the damn things and had simply no clue what I was supposed to do. The gameplay itself is just dull in every sense of the word.

Apparently you can get a variety of different slimes? The only ones I encountered were pink and blue. Then some chickens showed up and I was literally just playing FarmVille at that point. So I mean, this game is at the same rating as one I would give to a browser game where I look after a pig. That’s never good for, you know, a game that would normally cost you more than a pizza.

Aside from that, because the gameplay is dull, so are the achievements. They’re more time wasters than anything, you need to grind to get the most basic of achievements. I did manage to get one accidentally, which was to jump into a pen of over forty slimes. To be honest I got that one by accident, mainly because I didn’t even know it was an achievement. Some of them were to do stuff the game hadn’t explained to me. Apparently you have to stay up for a full twenty four hours also.

As a whole the game just feels like it’s come straight out of the Unity engine. I say that as a compliment, to some degree. Mainly because the menus are about as cobbled together as you would expect. What did I honestly expect from such a shoddily crafted game though? I mean, there’s only so much depth you’re going to get out of a game like this. Honestly you’ll get your entire fill at the title screen.

For me, the soundtrack is what I would describe as genuinely horrific. There was no redeeming quality to it. Honestly it’s a soundtrack so forgettable that I can’t remember whether or not the game actually had a soundtrack. Still, that’s a lot better than a soundtrack that sounds bad, right? I’d prefer to have at least some quality of music backing the game I’m playing no matter how bad it is.

Hell, get some of those free Kevin MacLeod songs and fill your game up with those, that’d do wouldn’t it? It’s better than deathly silence and the sounds of slimes bouncing everywhere. The sound effects also are not getting off free, because they’re just as bad. Again, I don’t even remember if there were any sound effects, that’s how bad we’re talking. I’m sure there’ll be a few basic asset sounds but nothing more than that. I do remember the main menu music is basically bass boosted, but other than that? Nothing.


Honestly, it was a free game so I couldn’t hold out on expecting all that much now could I? Well, I could have done and been fairly disappointed. But no, I expected nothing and I received nothing. The thing about this game for me is that you can’t really expect anything from it. Such an odd concept for the game is unsurprisingly executed very poorly.

To me, this game was basically just a discount and knock off version of Harvest Moon. But instead of farming plants you’re smacking some slimes about in the hope that they shit out currency. Honestly I don’t think there was ever a time when playing this game where I was having fun. Some of my friends tried to convince me that this was good, not a chance. That’s genuinely just daft.

So what we have here is a game that just doesn’t work. By failing it’s most basic of principles throughout it creates an experience that is devoid of any fresh ideas. Quite simply put, Slime Rancher is just a game you should avoid as much as possible, no matter how free it is. Considering the amount of games currently available on the Xbox One it would seem like a significant waste to play this. Some people are mad enough to play it though aren’t they. Hell, some of them will even enjoy it. Just avoid this game as best as you can. I cannot make that any clearer.

Slime Rancher
Sarcastic. Pessimist. I write what I think, hopefully you enjoy that.
  • Jonathan Villeneuve

    Slime rancher is a good game! 11,000 user-submitted reviews on Steam give it a 10/10/ It is actually really charming and has incredibly fresh ideas combined with superb execution. You’re looking awful lonely in your ivory tower, Ewan! But that’s the great thing about opinions – everyone thinks differently. As always, glad to read your thoughts.

    I could go on about what makes it charming and worthwhile, but instead, I’ll just recommend to everyone reading that you look away from this article and pickup the game!