General Election 2017 Aftermath
Prime Minister Theresa May makes a statement in Downing Street after she traveled to Buckingham Palace for an audience with Queen Elizabeth II following the General Election results.

Theresa May, who doesn’t even have a proper government, is already announcing cabinet appointments and changes. As I go into this trying to as unbiased as possible, here are the only five announcements to be made. Of course, we need to take a look at their political career thus far, and exactly what it means for the government.

Boris Johnson remains Foreign Secretary

Boris Johnson was rumoured to be the most likely Prime Minister after Theresa May resigns

Johnson has somehow lucked his way into remaining in one of the most important government positions. After a car crash of a career last year, being stabbed in the back by Michael Gove in a leadership bid, Boris hung on to foreign secretary. But, during this new government, he manages to stay on once more. Because of his recent political career, Johnson is rumoured to be leading the party very soon. Theresa May, at this point, is determined not to resign, but I can guarantee that is a definite.

Johnson may just be the foreign secretary now, but that’s an important role to take on. Giving it to a blonde monkey in a suit is a sure fire way of alienating other countries. The man has the finesse of a sledgehammer, and the appeal of wet bread. Still, he’s the future leader of the Conservative party, and will most definitely kill off the parties hopes of running the country.

Philip Hammond remains Chancellor of the Exchequer 

Just yesterday, Hammond called for Theresa May to elect a deputy Prime Minister

You know, if you’ve ever watched The Thick of It, you may notice the striking resemblance here. Hugh Abbot, the short lived DoSac minister looks exactly like Philip Hammond. In past days, Hammond has called for Theresa May to appoint a deputy Prime Minister. I’m not sure if this is because he fancies himself as the deputy, or he knows the shit show that is soon to come.

Either way, he’s remaining our Chancellor of the Exchequer, a role previously held by the likes of George Osbourne and Gordon Brown. I suppose you could say the role attracts assholes, but that would be rude. The role actually attracts dick heads, like bees to honey. Oh, of course, he was a Leave campaigner, he’s a definite dick head.

Amber Rudd remains Home Secretary

Rudd was a stand in for Theresa May in live debates, and barely held on to her constituency seat

Amber Rudd is a literal joke to politics and I find it hilarious she managed to keep her seat. She only won her seat by just over three hundred votes. If that isn’t a notion to every vote counting then I don’t know what is.

Career highlights for Amber Rudd are being laughed at for telling people to judge the Conservatives on their record and filling in for Theresa May in BBC debates. Somehow she has managed to remain Home Secretary, even though the majority of the public are considering her on roughly the same wavelength as Boris Johnson. Her appointment really doesn’t come as much of a surprise, mainly because Theresa May owes her big time. She took a bullet for her, and her repayment is to mop up the mess May has given her.

David Davis remains Brexit Secretary

Davis convinced May to call a snap election, and the two have been at blows ever since

Because Brexit is now, unfortunately, a thing, we need a new department for it. Now I should point out that Davis and May are stating Brexit will take roughly two years to conclude. The rest of the European Union is saying it will take five to ten years. Good luck with this one Davis.

May and Davis haven’t been on the best of terms recently. It’s quite obvious that Davis was going to stay on as Brexit Minister. However he was one of the people to coerce May into a snap election disaster, so there’s a definite animosity between the two. Still, it’s not going to stop him from cocking up the country, much like Theresa May has.

Michael Fallon remains Defence Secretary

Fallon has become delusional recently by sticking by the idea that this snap election was not a disaster for Theresa May

Michael Fallon, to put it in simple terms, is a genuine moron. He was shown preaching on Andrew Marr about how it’s not a bad result. Although May stated she could secure a bigger lead, and then didn’t, that’s not bad in the eyes of Fallon. To be fair, all I really know about Fallon is that he’s siding with Theresa May whatever the cost. And because of this, he’s awarded his position as Defence Secretary.

If I’m honest, I’d swap Johnson with Fallon for one main reason. I can honestly assume Boris Johnson would replace Trident with a missile that shoots balloon animals or something. Anything to keep Boris giddy and happy. Still, we’re stuck with Fallon for another six months until this government goes tits up.

Michael Gove appointed Environmental Minister

The most untrusted man in politics wriggles his way from the backbenches into a definitely important seat

Look who reared his ugly head once more. The walking, talking, Spitting Image puppet. Gove looks like Edward Tattysyrup from The League of Gentlemen. If you don’t know who that is, Google it and try and tell me I’m wrong.

Anyways, after stabbing Boris Johnson in the back last year in the leadership race, Gove retreated to the backbenches. We hoped this would be the last time we ever saw this sorry excuse for a politician. Of course, I should probably explain my animosity towards this genuine cretin. This man ruined the education system for me, for the kids going through it now, and some that have just finished going through it.

Now here he is, put in charge of the environment. Because of course, when I think of Michael Gove, I instantly think he would be best suited to looking after the environment. That’s like asking someone what their favourite M. Night Shamylam movie is, there just isn’t an answer. I had a worse joke written for that, but out of respect to the persons I was making fun of, I have removed it. What a cabinet we have though, it’s going to fall to pieces in three weeks time.

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